Wow. I kind of started this thing up and then let it flop. Sorry about that. Here's what I've gone through since then.

I lost my sobriety 40 days into the program. One of the worst triggers for me is business trips -- I'm alone, isolated, etc. All the things that make me want to act out. So ... I did just that. Spent the better part of that week in Seattle doing what I wanted ... and hating myself for it. Finally, around Thursday night, I decided once and for all to call it quits.

When I got back and shared it all with my group, a long-time sober member came up to me and said, very simply, "You never have to do that again." Blew me away. His comment took me right back to the reminder that I have a choice, that even though it FEELS like it's beyond my control, it's really not.

Tonight, I get my six-month chip. I've been mulling over what I'm going to say when the chip-guy says, "Tell us how you did it."

Wow. How DID I do it? How did I go six months without acting out, when six *hours* used to be a challenge?

I think it has most to do with reconditioning. Almost like Pavlov's dogs. They know that the bell ringing means food, even though they don't understand how or why. The process makes no sense to them, but the results do. Same here. I have no idea how keeping sexually sober has made me less resentful, less impatient, more willing to help, calmer, happier, more "normal" feeling, and closer to God ... but it has. So, even though I don't understand the how or why of this, I can see the results as clear as day, and all I know is that I have to keep going like this if I want these results to keep happening. I think of it in these terms: If I want to go back to the person I used to be, the person who used to beat up on his wife verbally all the time, who hated working, who felt extremely awkward by himself in social settings, who even hated to talk to strangers on the phone, and who used acting out as a way to hide from problems rather than face them ... all I need to do is start acting out again. When you put it that way ... what could possibly induce me to go back?

This is still a struggle, a daily struggle, but the fact that I am seeing results time and time again makes the struggle worth winning. So I keep fighting. And so far, I keep winning.

Here's to another six months!

(PS - Sorry again for the long gap since the last post. I'll try to post in here more often.)

I think I found a way there. It was a convoluted one, and a hard one, but I think I managed it.

I have a habit of carrying on conversations with myself, and the one I had after my workout last night seemed to convince me. I knew the essence of this program is learning to surrender your lust to your Higher Power, so I tried to figure out why God wasn't factoring into this very well. My initial attempt early yesterday went something like this:

Me One: Do you think God can take away your lust?
Me Two: Sure.
Me One: Do you want Him to?
Me Two: No way!
Me One: Why not?
Me Two: I dunno. Just because.

So. That didn't get me anywhere. I tried a couple more times like that over the day, and never seemed to figure out why I still wanted to hold on to it. Intellectually, I knew the benefits, but they didn't seem worth the exchange. Finally, I guess part of me got tired of the incessant question, and blurted out the real answer -- and the conversation after that was truly a "Godsend", in more ways than one. It went something like this:

Me One: Do you think God can take away your lust?
Me Two: Sure.
Me One: Do you want Him to?
Me Two: No way!
Me One: Why not?
Me Two: [Angry sigh] He's really good at that, isn't He? I mean, of course He can take away my lust and make me miserable the rest of my life, right? He's done a bang-up job of making me miserable most of my life anyway, so why should this be any different?
Me One: Ah. Well, what if He could take away your lust and make you happier for it?
Me Two: [Silence]
Me One: Do you think He can take away your lust and make you happier than you were?
Me Two: [Mumbled] Yeah, I guess so.
Me One: Do you want Him to?
Me Two: [After a long pause.] You know, I may be insane, but I'm not that insane. Sure. Sure. If He can prove to me that I will be happier without it, then I am more than willing to surrender it, give it all up. I'd be nothing but a stubborn idiot if I wasn't willing to take that offer.

And there it was. Something that others would probably see within an hour's time took me 29 days of white-knuckling and denial to find. It's a good enough reason for me, and as long as I can hold on to it, I have a real reason to want to surrender.

I added one more little analogy for myself. As long as I am willing to surrender, I am on this path leading towards a happier life. When I try to feed my addiction, or am tempted, I remind myself at that moment that I am deliberately turning away from that path and heading back the other way, following a sign marked: "Misery, straight ahead." When I think of it that way, I have no choice but to turn away and head towards surrender. The other option is just too depressing to consider.

OK. It's a good start. I finally feel like I am adhering to some of the Steps: I need God's help to do this, I have a good reason to surrender, and I am starting to be convinced that not only can I live without it and not die, but that living without it will actually make my life happier.

Cool.

God.

Yesterday was horrible, one of the worst I have experienced since this process started.

I started working on my "Step 0" stuff for my sponsor, and realized immediately as I started answering questions how badly I was doing. Forget white-knuckle sobriety (which is all the last 30 days has been), if you aren't willing to surrender lust, you're basically SOL.

So, some of the Q&A from yesterday that slapped me in the face:

***

Am I still allowing myself partial slips, enjoying the temporary relief that slips bring? Yes.

Am I still “testing my limits”? Yes. If so …

When was the last time? This morning.
What did I do? Followed a link to site that I knew would have nudity on it.
How often am I testing my limits? Couple times a day.
Have I shared my partial slips with my home group? No.
Am I cruising the “old neighborhoods”? Doesn’t really apply to me.
Do I think I can stop viewing any form of nudity on the web? Not without help.

***

And there's much more besides. It started really grating on me -- this idea that my sobriety wasn't worth anything, that I couldn't make the formula work, that I couldn't sledge-hammer my way to surrender. I carefully followed the ideas, mulled over everything I had learned up to now to try and see why it wasn't working.

Then, I got it.

I don't want to give it up!

In my mind, right now, the transaction isn't worth it. I want all the benefits that surrendering lust can provide, but I don't think that they are worth the loss of what lust has been and done for me! I think about what I have seen of the success others in the program have had -- the fact that they enjoy their lives, that they can feel close to God, that they are calm and easy-going and free from any sort of compulsion -- I think about all of that, and it STILL doesn't feel like enough of an enticement to give up lust. Truly an addict's mindset: I can clearly see what I need to do, but refuse to allow myself to want to do it.

I called my sponsor, and he was gracious enough to spend 30-40 minutes on the phone with me, trying everything he could to hit upon something that he could say that would help me continue. He mentioned a few things, but he hit on one analogy that I thought was a good one. He said I should imagine I was on the edge of a desert with my canteen of water that I always used to survive when I was in places like this. But before I could start walking around the desert like I always do, he came up to me and told me to pour out the contents of the canteen, because it was poison, not water. Not only that, but we were going to strike out directly across the desert, instead of skirting it, because there was a wonderful oasis ahead. Of course, for as far as I can see, there's nothing but empty desert. I'm at the point now where I'm looking at him in disbelief and saying, "You want me to EMPTY my canteen of WATER? Are you NUTS?!" He keeps replying that it's poison, not water, but I don't want to believe him.

Yep. That's me.

These days, I feel like I have simply exchanged one form of misery for another.

I guess I am deep in the throes of what my sponsor calls, "white-knuckling it". I am resisting temptation through sheer strength of will. From his experience, the ability to continue doing this always has a time limit -- whether it's two months or six, you always end up failing. The only way to successfully move past all of this is to embrace the idea of surrender, which still eludes me to a large degree. While I am white-knuckling, then, I might as well continue to do so, in hopes that the practice of surrender catches up to me someday.

Part of what makes this experience miserable, apart from not being able to act out, is that other temptations that didn't used to be very strong seem to be gaining strength now. For example, in the six years I have been married, I have not cheated on my wife. I have had all kinds of fantasy relationships, imagined innumerable trysts and sexual encounters, but have never acted on one of them. This was mostly because of the following reasons:

- I didn't want to betray my wife's trust
- I was afraid to risk rejection by making the first move
- I had masturbation as an outlet for exhausting these fantasies and their possibilities

However, if at any time some woman had made overtures to me, I would not have been able to resist her. I know that much for sure. The problem now is that two of those three reasons above don't seem to apply anymore. I don't think I would be afraid to make the first move, and I don't have the outlet I used to have to play through these fantasies. It seems to be becoming more of a temptation than it ever was.

One example: a couple years ago, just for fun, I joined a jazz dance class. I had a great time, and of course, was attracted to the instructor, who was an extremely fit, exciting woman in her late 30s. Although I didn't make a move, I certainly arranged things so that we would have the opportunity, should she be interested. I offered to build her a website for her studio in exchange for one-on-one lessons every week. She accepted, and I came to her (closed) studio every Saturday after that for personal tutoring. As I was afraid of being rejected, and as the need wasn't really strong, I never let her know what I wanted, and the whole thing died of its own accord after the course was completed.

If I worked an arrangement out like that today, I would probably take my chances, and see what happened. I would hate myself, never be able to look my wife in the eyes again ... but I would do it.

That's why I feel sometimes like I'm worse off in the program than I was out of it, but deep down I know that's not true. This is part of the healing process, and I guess cliches like, "It has to get worse before it gets better" would apply in this situation. I just hate feeling like I am becoming more subject to this compulsion rather than less.

Last night on the phone, my sponsor told me to take it easy, to just let things develop in their own time. The thing is: because of feelings like this developing, "taking it easy" is exactly what I am afraid of doing.

I don't get headaches, but I would imagine that going to SA meetings is akin to a chronic headache sufferer taking an aspirin. Sure, it provides short-term relief, you get to feel healthy and normal for a little while, but then the headaches start right up again, and you're back in your familiar world of never-ending suffering.

But last night's meeting was a good one. My sponsor was a no-show for the second week in a row, so I dropped him and found another, who seemed happy to have me. He outlined a few things he wanted me to do and talked about getting me some materials next week, so I felt like I was getting back into the program, instead of floundering about on my own, as I have for the past few weeks. He seems like a good guy.

This might sound a little goofy, but I have been using my newcomer chip to help me resist temptation. I'm kind of assigning it a monetary value, based on my days sober. For example, since today is Day 22 of sexual sobriety for me, that little coin is worth $22 in my mind. If I blow it, and give in to this thing, the value drops back to $0. In addition, if I can hold out another 8 days, I get to trade it in on a $30 chip (30 days). The higher the number, the more reluctant I will be to throw it all away. It's just a little mind game I'm playing, but it seems to work remarkably well.

I passed my never-surfacing scuba metaphor on to one of the guys at the meeting last night, and he smiled and said a startling yet very wise thing. He replied, "Here's what's going to happen, if you let it. God will make it so you can breathe underwater." Very simple but powerful continuation of that metaphor. Although it feels like so much deprivation and loss right now, eventually this will feel normal, and much better than my original "normal" state could ever have been.

That's an idea worth holding on to.

I came up with another good metaphor about how this whole thing is affecting me, and what this struggle is like.

Imagine someone handing you some scuba gear, suiting you up for a dive, and sending you down under the water. Would be fun, right? Refreshing? Sure.

Now, imagine that person tells you that you can never surface again, EVER. He will continue to supply you with air tanks, food, fresh water, whatever you need ... but you can never pop your head above water, for the rest of your life. Imagine trying to reconcile yourself with that idea -- never being able to take deep breaths, go for a hike, see the sky, etc.

That's how I feel.

It just seems impossible for me to imagine living the rest of my life like this. It might sound absurd to people who aren't struggling with this condition, but that's exactly how it feels. It's like having some huge necessity you have always taken for granted ripped away from you, for good. You're not allowed to live indoors anymore, you're not allowed to ride in a car anymore, you're not allowed to drink water anymore. It feels like that. When I first started this thing, I kind of scoffed at the liturature that said, "Each new step of surrender felt it would be off the edge into oblivion, but we took it. And instead of killing us, surrender was killing the obsession!" "Instead of killing us?" How melodramatic is that? But it's not melodrama; it's reality. And it's some of the most difficult stuff I've ever struggled with.

I've been sliding back already, sneaking back to porn sites on the web. If I keep that sort of thing up, I'm bound to slip. Haven't yet, but man, has it been a struggle.

There was a guy in the meeting who mentioned an apparently well-known idea in SA. It's based on the metaphor that there are two dogs fighting, a black dog (sexual addiction) and a white dog (sobriety). The one that wins will be the one you feed the most. Feed the black dog, and he's gonna take the white one out.

I gotta stop feeding that black dog.

BIG trigger this weekend, almost lost it all again.

After Easter was all "done", and the church service, egg hunt, etc. were all finished, my wife suddenly decided to pack up the kid, ask me if I had some work I needed to get done, and promptly whisked the both of them down to the beach.

I should have gone with them, for more reason than one.

But this gave me a new insight into a couple dynamics that have been going on for a while. First, my general resentment/uncooperative nature has made my wife come to the conclusion that I would obviously not be interested in going to the beach with her and our son. Up until I started in this program, that would have been a correct assumption. She wants me there; it would be a little bit of a hassle to deal with the beach; therefore, she can just go by herself, and leave me alone to relax. That's no longer true, but it's a good example of how I have often been over the course of our marriage.

So, she's gone, and I am overwhelmed with an urge to give in. Not surprising, since in the past that's exactly what I would have done. But I had to fight it off and start to ask myself why that would be such an automatic thing for me. The conlusion I came to is tied to a repetitive cycle we have developed.

See, since she automatically thinks I'm going to be resentful and uncooperative, that hits me like a rejection. It's that rejection that I'm trying to run from, that I use masturbation to avoid. So, I reinforce her view of me and make it worse for myself at the same time. It's a vicious circle.

I should have gone to the beach with them. Not just to avoid being alone with my temptations, but to begin to remove the emptiness and rejection that causes me to act out in the first place.

Ah ... nothing like being sick to take the edge off of a lust addiction.

This week's meeting was really lousy. My sponsor wasn't there, the two "leaders" in the group were reading literature and taking (unrelated) notes while other guys were trying to spill their guts and ask for support, and everyone just seemed to be worn out or apathetic or something to that affect.

I took a further step in that meeting, and mentioned some of my past "arrestable" behaviors, like masturbating in semi-public places, frequenting a nude beach, and so forth. Compared to the guy who's fighting a lifetime of cross-dressing, I guess that's not too big a deal, but I keep having to remind myself of one of the SA sayings: "You are only as sick as your secrets." -- Meaning, if you're holding something back, you're not going to start to heal, period. Everything has to come out.

I have discovered a new source of problems, as well. I don't know how to make love to my wife anymore. Sure, I can have sex with her -- turn her into an object to lust after -- but that's not what sex is for, and it's not making love with the person of my wife, just her body. Problem is: that's all I've ever known how to do. After the last time, I told her, "I don't know how to feel when we do this, anymore." It's just kind of bewildering and awkward. I won't feel comfortable making love to her until I figure out how to include her as a person in the experience. That may take a while.

I finished my personal history thing, and have to start thinking about how to turn that into a Step 1 inventory. It really has to do with explaining how this addiction had made my life unmanageable. Thats hard for me to think about, since I seem to have "managed" this thing pretty well over the years. On the other hand, it should be obvious that if I lived my life without having a choice about whether or not to act out, that I was managing nothing. It was managing me. But, others in the group have lost marriages over it, gotten in trouble financially, lost jobs, etc. I haven't had anything that obvious happen to me, so I need to think in different terms.

Anyway, being sick for three days has been actually a blessing in this department, as I haven't had any temptations to fight. I'm just about well again, though, so I'll probably need to pick up my burden again soon, and start carrying it around again.

Only 17 days have gone by since I started doing this. Amazing. Feels like six months, at least. But I'll make 30 days -- I know it -- and it'll be here soon.

Now, I'm starting to get depressed. It suppose I should be glad I found SA, considering how hard this sobriety thing is hitting me, but it just seems like a never-ending battle to deprive myself of the very thing that has defined me (to a degree) for 22 years. And it never stops. It feels like it never will stop. I feel like a soldier who loses his arm in combat, and still tries to use the missing arm, over and over. I can't seem to envision myself feeling "normal" and being like this at the same time. I know it is going to take a long time -- probably years -- to get rid of 22 years of programming, but right now it just seems hopeless.

And yet ... I'm still managing to hold on. Call me stubborn.

I'm dying. This is killing me. I feel like I've broken my ankle, and the doctors are refusing me pain medication.

I almost lost it Tuesday night. Almost lost everything. The rationalizations started kicking in -- why shouldn't I be able to do what I want, I really don't need to be part of this program, I can manage this thing, and avoid going crazy like I'm going now, etc.

I managed to get through it, and the next day, I started writing.

Not really Step 1, but close. I'm writing down my entire history regarding sexual addiction, compulsive/perverted behavior, etc. Starting from when I was 14. And as I started writing, one thing started to become more and more clear, until I couldn't avoid it any longer:

In the last 22 years, I have not managed this thing -- it has managed me.

If it means I have to write that on a post-it note, and walk around with it taped to my forehead, I need to remember this statement. It's the reason I risked going into an SA meeting to begin with, and it's the reason I need to stick with this program as the only possible way out of it. Remember, remember, remember.

I have also been struggling with this idea of "surrender" -- meaning you don't give this thing strength by fighting it. But that doesn't mean you give into it either. I couldn't wrap my head around that idea. If you don't fight it, that means you're going to give in and do it, right? It's a binary choice. That seemed obvious to me.

...until I read Step 1 in the White Book about half a dozen times, and finally got a hold of something. Here's the analogy that hit me. My dad and I live about 600 miles from each other, but once a year we get together to go see an NFL game with our favorite team playing. Of course, we have to buy tickets months in advance. Last year, about three months after I bought our tickets, I discovered a band that I instantly loved. The music is everything I like to listen to. A search of their website showed that they had left for a European tour, and that they had agreed to have a single finale concert in the US when they got back. Less than 60 miles from my house. I was ecstatic! I was thrilled! ...until I saw the date. It was the date of the football game. I started calculating furiously. The game ends at 4:30 or 5:00, we'll be at least three hours from where the concert is, probably more, I need to get my dad to the airport, the concert starts at 7:00, the game ends at 4:30...

Over and over. Can't leave the game early. Can't change the tickets. Can't drive 120 mph.

Finally, I was forced to come to the conclusion that I was going to miss the concert. I couldn't want it anymore. I had to let it go.

And that's how this has to work. That's how I can avoid either giving in or fighting it. Because I'm in this program, I can't want this anymore. I have to accept that I don't have the right to do it anymore. I have to let it go.

I have to let it go.

So, OK. I'm not updating every day. I'll try to be better about this.

2nd group meeting last night. Got myself a sponsor, and a few instructions on starting to "work the steps", which up until that point had sounded like some sort of meditation/contacting the spirits form of esoterica. However, it seems like a good idea now, so I'll get started soon.

Came up with a couple good metaphors to spread around the room during my sharing session. The bulk of it was the fact that I had learned how thoroughly and completely this disease had infiltrated my life, in many ways I had never noticed before. The six-foot wall I thought I had in front of me that needed to be hurdled turned into a 40-foot wall ... with barbed wire ... and dogs on the other side ... and machine guns all around. Until I really started to watch myself over this last week, I really had no idea how strong this thing was. In spite of all that, I was able to report a full seven days of sexual sobriety.

The other metaphor was an image that came to me overnight, a few nights before the last meeting. I had sort of had it in my mind that trying to beat this thing was going to be like wading into a river with a strong current, and forcing myself to the other side. It's not. It's more like wading into a river with a strong current, turning upstream, and forcing my way upriver ... until there's no more river. That's how difficult and seemingly never-ending this thing is. It's not like I get many breaks, so to speak. I wonder how difficult the next seven days will be.

One thing to mention about today. Ovulation-time with my wife is over, so it's back to striving without a close-proximity release in sight. But this afternoon, walking back to my desk, I was hit by a random mental image involving a co-worker, and it was so strong it actually made my body physically flinch. Good grief. I hope I don't turn into some sort of wide-eyed, tic-riddled zombie while I'm fighting all of this. It's hard enough for me to feel "normal" while going through this process, anyway.

**twitch twitch**

Off the hook for the rest of the week, to a certain extent. My wife and I have spent the last 18 months or so trying to get pregnant again, which means sex every other day for five days around the time she is ovulating (this week). That certainly takes the pressure off, although it also causes problems too -- like putting me back into patterns I am trying to get rid of, and reinforcing the idea that I should be ready for sex at any time. However, once these five days are over, I'll be back into the fray, trying to create new habits and patterns to replace the old ones.

One thing (and this is kind of funny, to me) I have started doing is chewing gum. Not sure why it occurred to me, but it seems to be helping. The gumchewing kind of gives me a sense of purpose, like I'm involved in something and can't be bothered to think about anything else. Reminds me of people trying to quit smoking who always carry a pencil in their hands, or play with the cap of a pen. I'm getting kind of tired of the flavor of this gum, though, because (while I'm at work, especially), I find myself chewing three or four pieces a day.

Also, I keep stumbling across miscellaneous pieces of paraphenalia that I had forgotten about. A digitized porn flick burned onto a CD. A collection of erotic fiction saved on my computer. A book called The Pearl which is a collection or pornographic fiction written for a magazine in the 1800s. This stuff has just accumulated and crept up around me, like vines on an abandoned building, and had already starting doing its work of disintegrating me and making me crumble. Gotta clear it all away and rebuild.

I really had no idea how thoroughly this had infiltrated my life. So many thoughts, fantasies, leers, etc. had become so automatic, that it is astonishing to me how often I had to catch myself. Two examples made it painfully clear to me.

First was last night at Bible Study. There was a pretty well-endowed woman there wearing a tight shirt. I told myself that here was the perfect chance to develop a new habit -- to just ignore it and not look. Over and over, more than a dozen times, my eyes seemed to automatically flick towards her chest, and away again. I couldn't believe how automatic it was, and how difficult it was for me to keep myself from doing it. The only way was to be consciously aware of where my eyes were pointing, at all times (which isn't easy to do, if you think about it).

The second one was tonight in the gym. Good grief. Me and four women alone in the gym, one of them extremely top-heavy. Of course, the others, being in top shape, looked great themselves. In past days (weeks, years) in the gym, I had automatically watched them when they exercised, fantasizing away. It was tough again to try and not pay attention, to focus on my exercise and keep my eyes from travelling over their bodies. I failed, pretty much, but at this point, gaining a true awareness of what I am up against is the really important thing, and one that is certainly becoming clear.

I also talked this over with my wife last night, and presented to her an idea which made me feel both embarrassed and relieved. "Sexual sobriety", as defined by Sexual Anonymous, is not having sex with one's self or anyone besides one's spouse. That means sex with my wife is OK. However, the other side of the SA definition is a "victory over lust", so indulging myself with my wife isn't going to help change my thinking or habits either. The idea I had was to ask her if I could reserve one request a week to have sex with her as a pressure relief valve. That way, I know that if the desire gets too strong for me to handle, I have an out, and at the same time, knowing that it is there makes it easier for me to resist. It feels kind of expeditious and a little like a cop-out, but she agreed to it, and it is helping, so I will see how I manage this over the long-term.

I can't believe I've only been at this for two days. I'm doing OK, but I dread facing what the weekend will bring me. This is going to me a long, tortuous road.

This is my first entry regarding SA. I had started by keeping this stuff entirely to myself, but I thought it would be better to allow other readers to follow my struggle and hopefully gain some strength from it.

Last night, I attended my first SA meeting. Nine guys, all struggling with exactly the same issues I struggle with, in varying degrees. The number of times I nodded my head in understanding and sympathy was amazing -- I was definitely in the right place. For the record, after the meeting, I disposed of the following items, for good:

- 4GB of porn movies and pictures on my computer
- One video tape and Victoria's Secret catalog I had hidden
- One inflatable doll
- A bag containing half a dozen condoms

Also for the record, the goal in SA is two fold: 1) to achieve "sexual sobriety", which according to this group's definition, means no masturbation, and sex with one's spouse only. 2) To eventually gain victory over lust -- to prevent it from occupying one's mind and dictating one's actions time and time again.

These are tall orders, and ones that I know I will have to struggle to achieve. However, living as I have been living has just gotten too old and too painful, and it needs to stop for good. I want to find a place where my thoughts, vision, imagination and will are not constantly, repeatedly, overwhelmingly and incessantly dominated by lust. I need to start enjoying my life again. And I am praying that this need is stronger than my habit.

So.. Hi, my name is anon_sexaholic, and I am a sexoholic. My baseline activities include frequent masturbation, masturbation with objects, viewing Internet and TV pornography, fantasizing often about having sex with any woman that comes into my view, convincing my wife to indulge me much more often than she feels comfortable doing so, and abusing time at work by surfing the Internet for porn and masturbating in the restroom. So far, I have one day of sexual sobriety.